the red hot silly peppers
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Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.