“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
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ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
If you had more money you’d be happier.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.