I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
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If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.