This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
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(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Happy thanksgiving!
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.