I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
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I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart