Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
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Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.