I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
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Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn