Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
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“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”