I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
You Might Also Like
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
My love language is deader than Latin
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.