Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
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I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib