I have a black belt in leather
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Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.