*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
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On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Netflix: We have Less
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
barbara was highly relatable
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity