ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
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I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car