“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
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Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy