My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
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Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
How about daylight saves us for once
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up