I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
You Might Also Like
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah