psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
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“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then