When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
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*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too