other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
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Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
PLEASE READ
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Butt weight. There’s more!
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.