At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
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living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank