DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
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Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless