BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
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Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”