[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
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My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭