Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
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me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes