PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
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Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Britain be like
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.