Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
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You’ll be OK
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.