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True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media