But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
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I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”