The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
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It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
work smarter, not harder
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes