I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
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I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless