Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
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wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”