*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
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My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.