When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
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cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.