Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
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It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
wishing you and yours all the best
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Autocorrect completely socks
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.