If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
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Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Snapes on a plane.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.