Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
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Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in