Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
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Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
This was my dad’s browser history.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Double negatives are never not confusing.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”