Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.