We’ve come full circle
You Might Also Like
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*