I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
You Might Also Like
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
“what’s it like having a sister?”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.