Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
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And they lived apathetically ever after.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
#NoRestForTheWicked
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill