(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
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You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA