Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.