ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
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[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
are there any atheist mantises?
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.