Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
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[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*