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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
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[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
meow
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
What do you hear?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.