kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
You Might Also Like
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
All set.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Buying a well is money well spent.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.