i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
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Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors