The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
You Might Also Like
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out