My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
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My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)